Bittersweet

When we got back from our Mexico trip Tim and I started trying to get pregnant again. Yay! We got pregnant with both the boys on the first try, so we figured this time would be pretty easy again. And wouldn't ya know, this time around did not disappoint. We tried and we got pregnant! We were super excited, but something felt a little off. I had a lot of cramping from the get go which I didn't have with the other two pregnancies. I didn't have any bleeding, so the nurse at my orientation appointment last Tuesday said everything was probably fine. But sadly on Saturday, during Grayson's birthday party, I started bleeding. Fortunately my parents and Tim's mom were there so we left the boys with them and Tim and I headed out to the ER. They took blood to test my hcg (Pregnancy hormone) levels and did an ultrasound. My hcg levels were still elevated at 1470, but in pregnancy they like to see that number between 1500-3000 then it should increase daily as the pregnancy progresses. So my low number suggested something was wrong but wasn't conclusive because they didn't have prior hcg level to compare it to. But when they did the ultrasound they didn't see a fetus and at 6 1/2 weeks we should have been able to see the baby. So they sent me home and said I needed to come back on Monday morning for a blood draw to test my hcg levels. And sure enough on Monday morning my hcg levels had dropped down to 147. The Dr determined that it was a miscarriage. We aren't sure why it happened and there is no way of knowing. These things sometimes just happen. All the Dr's and my family have repeatedly told me it wasn't my fault and there wasn't anything that I did that caused this. And I know this. I have read enough books on pregnancy and I know that a miscarriage is a possibility with every pregnancy. But it doesn't make it any easier. It still doesn't keep me from saying it's not fair. Why did it have to happen to us?! My brain knows that the pregnancy terminated itself because something was wrong, but I can't help but think why didn't this baby want me? The only way I keep coming up with to describe this whole situation is, this sucks! All the way around. Not only does it suck emotionally, but it hurts physically. This sucks. And this is one of those things that people don't talk about it, but is statistically pretty common, and that's why I'm writing about it. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has gone through this. And the way I see it, when we try again and have a successful pregnancy it will be that much sweeter and that much more exciting. We'll take a few months off then try again. Please say a prayer for the little one that didn't make it.